There
was bright sunlight outside. The birds were chirping and a teacher in the next
classroom was teaching Biology. All the students in our class were busy talking
and doing some work. I was just flipping through the English text book when
Tshomo whispered, “Hey Yangki! Did you notice a boy sitting in the third table
in our row? I mean, did you notice him always staring at us. I am not sure
whether or not he is staring at us, but I noticed him, from the corner of my
eyes, always looking straight to us.”
“What are you saying? Which boy?” I looked behind and there I saw you
for the first time. I might have seen you before this moment, but I had never
seen you in that way. You didn’t notice me looking at you. You looked lost.
Your eyes staring at the wall clock hung above the green board. Your pink lips
tightened. Your one hand was holding your glowing-face and the other one on the
table. I felt something cold running down my body. “Yangki, what happened?”
“Nothing, mmm I was just looking behind. You know mmm Let’s go out.” Tshomo noticed my blushed face, but she didn’t
say anything. For a moment she just looked into my eyes as if she has seen a
diamond. Even if she asked, I wouldn’t
have had the answer. All I could have said was “I felt cold.”
No
sooner you looked at him, your face became as red as a ripened apple, you ran
out of words while answering me and your body temperature changed suddenly. I
know you are telling a lie to me because I already saw the truth in your eyes. For
more than seven years I have seen truthfulness of your words in your eyes
whenever we had conversations. Your eyes have always shown as a secret password
for me to know the truth. Your eyes have always showed a cleared path to the transparency
of your heart, as they did today. Though you lied to me, I am not hurt as I
know you need some time to figure out your feelings towards him. However, I’ll be
hurt if you don’t share it with me before it’s too late. I just want to deter
you from defining your feelings towards him as love because I know it’s not
love. It’s just an infatuation, a temporary distraction that will bring
deception and disappointment in your life and thereafter you will blame me for
drawing your attention towards him. To protect you as well as our friendship, I
want to talk with you about it by hook or by crook. However, I don’t want you
to feel as if I am ruling your life. Thus, I waited for you to begin first but
you never did.
Most
of the time, you walked alone. During break hours and free periods, you either
went to hostel or sleep in the classroom. My eyes always followed you. I
started to love each and every attribute of yours. Whenever I entered our
classroom, I looked at you first. In my quiet complicated way, I continued to
observe you. However, you never seemed to notice me. In fact you didn’t seem to
have any crushes or interest in girls. You hardly talk with girls. I never knew
how people fall in love, but by the time I come to know about it, I was already
in love with you. I spoke to no one about my feelings not even to Tshomo
instead I waited for you to sense my feeling towards you and talk to me first.
I waited for Tshomo to see the changes in me and ask me the reason behind it.
However, a year has come to an end and neither of you asked me about my
feelings. I begin to lose faith in both of you. I stopped believing in what I
used to believe about one’s closest people understanding one’s feelings. I feel
like I lost both of you forever.
I
felt as if I was on the top of the world when you gave a close look at me for
the first time. Your look was so powerful that I couldn’t look back into your
eyes at that moment. I just pretended as if I was counting down minutes for the
bell to ring. I saw changes in your complexion`. I sensed you feeling cold and
I heard your heart beats beating faster than usual. You finally reciprocated my
love with your one loving glance. However, I am sorry that I have turned my
deaf ears to your feelings. I am sorry for pretending as if I didn’t know
anything. I know your eyes always long to see me as I have always seen your
soul through your eyes. I have looked into many girls’ eyes but I could never see
their souls as I have seen yours. This may be because you love me as much as I
love you. In your absence, my heart didn’t beat as fast as it used to beat in
your presence. I wanted to share my feelings towards you and hold your hands
from the day that I met you. However, sometimes things don’t go the way we
want. I can’t even tell you the reason for being such a cold hearted boy. All I
could do is wait for you to approach first so that I could at least say sorry and
clear your path forever.
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